I know I have been out of the blog world for a while now, save a picture here and there of one of my kids and a list of my top ten margarita flavors or whatever. I've been super super busy with the things I do, and, as exhausting as it is, I'm finding myself at another moment when Illegitimi non Carborundum would be a good motto to paint on my wall. I'm not just busy. I'm being wrung out. Again.
At my current organization, let's call it the traveling Carnivale, I am simply a roustabout--a workman. I am not the bearded lady, I am not a mentalist or a tarot card reader. I set up the tents and the ferris wheel and stay out of the way when I can.
The Carnivale is run by Management, but Samson of course is in charge of the day to day operations. He has to listen to Management and do what Management says, but he's the face of the Carnivale. We all like and support Samson. He does the right thing. He's on the side of the angels. He's worked in carnivals so long, he's seen it all and he knows how to be patient and take the long view. And he says what he means and doesn't beat around the bush.
I'm just a workman, but I get along with Samson. I ride along with the Carnivale and help him when I can.
I take some risks. I make some mistakes. Nobody dies. But some people, including Management, see me as an annoying presence in the Carnivale. Such is the story of my life. I'm annoying. Management is also not the biggest fan of Samson, for reasons that are not clear to the viewer. It's just the way of the world.
Samson wants to start a new act in the Carnivale, and I'm behind him 100% on this. Management was wary at first, and then saw the numbers and thought perhaps it would be good. The Carnivale hired a new entertainer. Everyone in the traveling company likes her. Then Management changed its mind. They were nixing the new act. "Maybe next year, maybe when we're more financially stable." Samson and I met with management and I was furious. But I didn't burn bridges right there in the room. I went home and thought. And fumed.
The thing is, the new act? It fits into our Carnivale better than many of our current acts, even. It's really good. I went around to other carnivals to learn more about the act and asked advice about what entertainer would be best to bring on board with us. It's more than the typical workman's job, but I felt passionate about it. It was going to be good.
Now I'm just a workman and I don't see the whole picture. Management may have my best interests at heart--if the Carnivale succeeds, my life is easier than if it disbands or shrinks. But I want this new act, and so do many of the other workmen and entertainers. We like this idea. But for some reason, we have no power with Management. Money talks and we're on Management's dime so we have nothing to say. Pack up the ferris wheel, load the wagons, keep your head down and shut your mouths.
But I was having a cup of coffee in the mess tent with one of the entertainers, I'll let her remain anonymous but she's good at what she does, and we decided we can't let Management dump the new girl on the dusty side of the road and wish her well. Not only that, but we'd be a better Carnivale with that act, and we both know it. And I admitted that I'm frustrated enough that I'm starting to think my talents might be better appreciated by another traveling company.
But I only sort of mean that. I like Samson and the fan dancer and the mind reader far too much to really walk away. And how many more years will traveling carnivals really prosper anyway? I need to stick with what I know, in the end.
So now we're a little group, it's not just me and Samson talking behind the wagons away from the crowd anymore. And I've got a bead on a good tent and the entertainer we've brought on board has lots of connections in her world. We could make it work. We just have to disobey Management, not get Samson shot and left behind in a ditch somewhere, and keep our faces out of the dusty wind.