Hope, worry, more hope,

Our school has decided to let parents do fundraising to hire an art teacher next year. It started as a campaign to hire me to be the art teacher next year, but that gets sticky since we're a public school and precedence gets set and then suddenly parents are running the school--off a cliff, I mean.

The school is still so new, still getting its sea legs, and arts funding, like in many places, takes a back seat to things that are nuts and bolts to running a school--mortgage, utilities, classroom teacher salaries and supplies, and anything that gets tested on a high-stakes state exam. Art is fluffier than that, it's kind of an extra in many folks' minds. But our parent community likes art.

So I wrote up a proposal, to create a parent group that raises money for art in the classroom. And I've tailored it around what I would want, since we don't have much money or much time and we wouldn't be able to hire someone, say, full time and salaried what that would cost. It's very small. Very. But it's enough to pay for Billy's preschool tuition, if it works out.

I have to apply, of course, and write up a proposal. I've already written one out, but I have a few things I want to change and refine before I submit it for real. I'm trying to not be nervous. I keep saying to Jake, or to a few teachers I know at the school: "What if I do all this work, what if we all do all this work, and someone comes out of the woodwork and gets the job?" And then there's always some eye-rolling or sighing and the person I'm talking to tells me to get a grip.

But what if. I just get nervous. I worry. I like things set. Just so. I like to have some control, some predictability to my life. It's late May and the fundraising happens over the summer and what if? What if we don't manage to raise enough? What if someone with 15 years experience and a gallery show applies to work for a nun's salary teaching 6 hours a week?

Then I go back and read some text messages. I think about conversations and assurances. There are no guarantees. But I have hope that it'll work out.

And then I start worrying again.