I have decided to live here and like my neighbors. Don't get me wrong. I do like my neighbors and have for a long time. But there's something about me, gypsy blood or famine-fleeing Irish or simply force of habit, that makes me think about leaving. But it's come to the point, 14 years after moving in, when it occurs to me, sitting in the Persian cafe on South Grand eating vegetable curry between Jake and Travis with Zelda and Gretchen and Nick and Tara and Justin, confessing my inability to find a job and not caring especially what they think, meaning that I know that whatever they think is fine, listening to them, each of them, talk about their lives at the moment and knowing this is just now, just for now, and ok for now and for always, that I'm realizing that this is home.
----------------------------------------------------------
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.
----------------------------------------------------------
I have swung around to the love side of the love-frustration relationship I have with my parish. Talking with Annie over coffee about Lynn who makes us crazy and Miguel who makes us very, very happy, about the Church with a capital C and how frustrating it is to be a member of a hierarchical organization but have congregrationalist hearts (those are my words, not hers), I realize that this parish is part of who I am and although one day I may have to walk away, that it will be less without me there, and I will be less without it within me, and so I need to not go yet. Perhaps go ever.
------------------------------------------------------
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
------------------------------------------------------
I am working hard to let go what this school did to me. Teasing out culpability, reckoning my part in it, what I brought on myself. Working hard to not care about how stupidly ridiculous the art curriculum is now that it's underway. Realizing how my brain, how my heart, deals with betrayal. Not being too hard on myself about that. Doing some praying, even, about where this is leading me. Will I ever teach again? Of course I will. But I'm not sure I'll put so much of my whole self into it next time.
------------------------------------------------
Bring me all your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue cloud-cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.
------------------------------------------------
I am thinking about my obligations, about my yes meaning yes and no meaning no. Instead of my yes meaning "I wish I could manage it so much I'm going to pretend I can" and my no meaning "I'm revolted by the mere idea". A yes should be strong, and no doesn't have to be angry. I've said yes to too many things lately, and while some of them (any and all obligations at the school) I have shrugged off my shoulders, I'm still looking at recent ones. I am the scoutmaster of the independent scout group, but it's being run by other people not the way I would like but they are pouring so much energy into it but it is frustrating me beyond the capacity to hold it in any longer in any sort of polite way but I wanted to get this started so it would be in place for Billy but I sent Jake to the training when I should have gone (I was at girl scout camp). I want a do-over. I want to take it all back and start it up another year. And frankly, if I'm going to go back to work in the fall? Crazy to think I should be in charge of something like this. But not in charge. A figurehead. So it's time to say no. Will I? Only time will tell.
--------------------------------------------------
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep
---------------------------------------------------
And so January begins. Christmas is over, the kids are getting ready to go back to school, the school I hate and am working so hard to replace in our lives. I don't have a job, not yet, but I'm looking. I am happy where I am, where I stand, however, and so nothing is all that bad. Worrying about the future will do nothing, and all those sorts of things.
-----------------------------------------------------
My dear, my dear
It is not so dreadful here
------------------------------------------------------
Happy 2013.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
"I am happy where I am, where I stand, however, and so nothing is all that bad." Yes.
One day at a time. One single day at a time. (That's what I'm aiming for, too.)
I do love your beautifully honest posts. I find them inspiring.
What Indigo said. I was missing you, missing your blogs, but feel as if - with just this one post - I'm caught up now and that, reading this, with all your honesty and your resolve and ultimately, your contentedness, all is right with the world. Bridgett is blogging.
Mali
You sound like you're in a healthy place, especially since it's not sugar-coated.
Post a Comment