Perseverare: continue steadfastly, persist
That's what I'm doing for Lent. Fiona's been asking me the past week or so what I'm going to give up for Lent. We went through the things I've done in the recent past: stop complaining about the weather, stop buying coffee (meaning out, made for me--I still bought coffee beans and made it at home because the point of Lent isn't to punish your family and friends with your sleepy crabbiness), stop using my car within a mile and a half of my house.
Last night, as I sat on the porch for 25 seconds between making the biscuits and letting them rest before I baked them, I asked Mike if things were harder now or if I was just old now "Harder," he answered immediately. "They've been harder before, but things have been really easy until just lately."
Nothing is particularly hard. It's not a dead lift of too much weight. I can't point to any one thing and say definitively that this is what is making life hard. It's more of a crumbling around the edges kind of deal. It's the same mantra for months: I need a job I don't have a job there aren't any job postings for the half a dozen things I can do I need to get Billy into preschool for next year Daisy into third grade next year fix the downstairs bathroom clean the basement oh hey there's a new cat and I guess she's ours now and the car needs to go in and Fiona has an F in spelling even though she's not supposed to get grades in spelling so now I have to reiterate that to the special ed teacher and she's in tears, Fiona not the special ed teacher, and I need that to work because so many things are still so very much up in the air and trying to wrestle this sack of crazy to the ground so I can focus on the fact that I need a job I don't have a job...
On Sunday Fr. Miguel's homily was about casting your nets into deep water. I took this to heart as best I could, I heard what I think I needed to, and I ruminated on it. Cast my nets into deep water. You know the story (or not). Peter and his crew are on the boats and haven't caught anything all night (did they ever catch anything, ever?). Jesus tells them to cast their nets out into the deep water.
Ridiculous. No fish today. Let's go home and drink some coffee. Wait, maybe that's too much midrash.
But of course they do cast their nets and fill them almost to breaking and there are too many fish and it's again more overabundance of the kingdom of God and there you have it.
Cast your nets into deep water.
So I got certified in high school art. Ridiculous. I'll have to build a portfolio and fake my way through interviews like I know what I'm talking about (but I do). So I built a math and elementary portfolio even though I know no one has ever hired me based on my portfolio before. No fish there. Let's drink coffee.
I'm applying to every school where I think I might want to teach.
I'm substituting in, well, not the easiest district in the area.
I'm keeping my mind open--it could be that classroom is not the deep water after all.
I'm folding laundry and darning socks and trying to keep the kitchen clean, too. Ignoring the creeping thoughts of I'm too checkered on that resume, I've been out of the game too long, I haven't worked for pay in 12 years now. My references are all folks I've volunteered for and moms of tutoring students. I don't have a single principal for a reference because none of them are around anymore. Twelve years.
Jake tells me to relax.
But what I need to do is persevere.