Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Persevere

Perseverare: continue steadfastly, persist

That's what I'm doing for Lent. Fiona's been asking me the past week or so what I'm going to give up for Lent. We went through the things I've done in the recent past: stop complaining about the weather, stop buying coffee (meaning out, made for me--I still bought coffee beans and made it at home because the point of Lent isn't to punish your family and friends with your sleepy crabbiness), stop using my car within a mile and a half of my house.

Last night, as I sat on the porch for 25 seconds between making the biscuits and letting them rest before I baked them, I asked Mike if things were harder now or if I was just old now "Harder," he answered immediately. "They've been harder before, but things have been really easy until just lately."

Nothing is particularly hard. It's not a dead lift of too much weight. I can't point to any one thing and say definitively that this is what is making life hard. It's more of a crumbling around the edges kind of deal. It's the same mantra for months: I need a job I don't have a job there aren't any job postings for the half a dozen things I can do I need to get Billy into preschool for next year Daisy into third grade next year fix the downstairs bathroom clean the basement oh hey there's a new cat and I guess she's ours now and the car needs to go in and Fiona has an F in spelling even though she's not supposed to get grades in spelling so now I have to reiterate that to the special ed teacher and she's in tears, Fiona not the special ed teacher, and I need that to work because so many things are still so very much up in the air and trying to wrestle this sack of crazy to the ground so I can focus on the fact that I need a job I don't have a job...

On Sunday Fr. Miguel's homily was about casting your nets into deep water. I took this to heart as best I could, I heard what I think I needed to, and I ruminated on it. Cast my nets into deep water. You know the story (or not). Peter and his crew are on the boats and haven't caught anything all night (did they ever catch anything, ever?). Jesus tells them to cast their nets out into the deep water.

Ridiculous. No fish today. Let's go home and drink some coffee. Wait, maybe that's too much midrash.

But of course they do cast their nets and fill them almost to breaking and there are too many fish and it's again more overabundance of the kingdom of God and there you have it.

Cast your nets into deep water.

So I got certified in high school art. Ridiculous. I'll have to build a portfolio and fake my way through interviews like I know what I'm talking about (but I do). So I built a math and elementary portfolio even though I know no one has ever hired me based on my portfolio before. No fish there. Let's drink coffee.

I'm applying to every school where I think I might want to teach.

I'm substituting in, well, not the easiest district in the area.

I'm keeping my mind open--it could be that classroom is not the deep water after all.

I'm folding laundry and darning socks and trying to keep the kitchen clean, too. Ignoring the creeping thoughts of I'm too checkered on that resume, I've been out of the game too long, I haven't worked for pay in 12 years now. My references are all folks I've volunteered for and moms of tutoring students. I don't have a single principal for a reference because none of them are around anymore. Twelve years.

Jake tells me to relax.

But what I need to do is persevere.

6 comments:

plaidshoes said...

Persevere - I think I need to remember that, too. I like how you phrased it "crumbling around the edges". I am so feeling that too. Kind of like I am barely keeping it all from just collapsing! I am also looking for work, and am in the same boat as you - no work for the last twelve years. I have yet to even get a call for an interview. I need to somehow figure out how to pay for high school (only 1 1/2 years away!!) - it such a big jump from elementary tuition. Making we can say some prayers for each other to keep strong :-)!

Emma said...

Wow, there must REALLY be some dummkopfs at cg. I will never get over the current art situation because it totally sucks.

Rina k6art.com said...

Hi Bridgett

Have hope on that job search. I got my art credential and first art teaching job at age 38 after 9 years out of the work force.

I got my foot in the door by starting as a volunteer art docent at my son's elementary school. After a couple of years of that, I was running the art docent program and got to know the principle really well. She recommended me for an open art position within the district the next year.

Something to consider - you can work it in while subbing.

Good luck to you!

Rina at k6art.com

Bridgett said...

The funny thing is...that's what I did. And then they hired the bozo they have now.

Eulalia (Lali) Benejam Cobb said...

Perseverance is good. Calm perseverance (if one can manage it) is the best.

Mali said...

As Lali said, perseverance is good. I've been doing some reading about that, and vulnerability, lately. Relaxing is good too - a typical bloke's reaction!