5th in a series of posts, the 40 things I've learned in my 40 years
I like things sealed up tight, understood, voted on, decided. I do not like things up in the air. I have often said I'd rather have bad news that was certain than waiting and hoping for good news. It tears me up. On that old personality test, Myers-Briggs or however it is spelled, I am an ENFJ. Very strong Extrovert (as opposed to introvert); very strong iNtuitive (as opposed to sensate, how one gathers information); mild Feeler (as opposed to Thinker, how one makes decisions), and insanely strong Judger (as opposed to Perceiver--this one has everything to do with plans and decisions and so forth and is my strongest characteristic and the one that drives everyone around me crazy).
There's a station out of Russia, out of Soviet Russia, called "The Buzzer". It buzzes. Every few seconds. We aren't sure why. One theory is that it's part of a "dead hand" system, which has to do with destroying the world even after everyone on that side is dead. Which is scary...but another theory, that I like better, is that it's a frequency that's just being kept open. Just in case they need to send out some kind of message.
I am starting to understand that idea. Leaving something open for later. Leaving my heart open for something later, frankly. Twisted in with the idea of stability, that I am not leaving, is the sadness that other people will leave. Most will probably leave for good, but if I keep my heart open, maybe they'll come back.
Some never will. It's too late for me to repair my relationships with Robin, Johnny, Tracy, or Alyssa. I have lost others through attrition: grade school friends and high school friends, college roommates, former colleagues. Proximity creates friendships--stability maintains them--but once that proximity fails, it's hard to keep up contacts.
But I'm hopeful about my boss, once she leaves and I remain, that maybe if I keep this frequency open, we could be friends. My colleague across the hall. Samson from the Carnival. Blog friends that drift away and maybe one day find me on facebook. Cousins I barely knew growing up who now live within walking distance. Keeping this frequency open to the idea that I could be in their lives again.
Intertwined in the hope, however, is the realization that someone may never tune in. I need to be comfortable in that idea. I sleep with the promise of tomorrow/although tomorrow may never come. I might wait and wait for years before it happens. And it might never happen. I can't live with that loss affecting my life every day--I have to just leave the window open and let it go.
This is hard--I can accept that a relationship is over (Johnny, my ex-boyfriend from high school for instance), but when things are just up in the air...I want closure in my heart. I have forced closure before, in cases where waiting out the hurt would have mended the brokenness and we could have, perhaps, stayed friends. The worst part of this is that I can step outside myself and see this chess move I make to destroy a friendship. I watch it happen. If I just send this email/if I just don't return this call...she will respond this way and that will be it.
So this is something I am learning. And keep relearning.
I keep thinking Troy is gone for good, for instance. Then he texts out of the blue or shows up at my door. Because I've kept this frequency open. I go in and out of another friendship, running a little hot and cold, but I'm realizing that's just the way I am with this other person. It's not over. It's just in a holding pattern for a bit.
I am here. Barring severe personal tragedy, I will remain here. This is my blog, my email address, my phone number, my house, my church. They can find me if they want me. I'm learning that it's good to be found--and I like those sorts of moments more than anything, so I'm learning how to create the conditions needed for them to potentially occur. Leave the frequency open, but don't push.